Episode One. June, 2005.
At this point in the production, we had no investors, we had almost none of the special effects, and we had absolutely no cast. And we were supposed to start filming in less than two months. Lloyd kept screaming “this film is about two things - special effects and beautiful young people, and we’ve got neither!” And he was right. But we also had no budget for an effects team, for actors, or even for enough advertising to find them. Every day, a trickle of bad actors would hobble through the doors… and half of them would walk out before their audition even took place.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Notes from Eavesdropping
Lloyd was on the phone with the star of his last few films. “I’m ashamed to show my face- I can’t even appear in Spago anymore. I can’t even use the men’s room. I could jump off the motorway and nobody would even give a shit. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford to make this film. Well, if we get some money, we can eat cheese sandwiches three times a day, instead of two times.”

Later, Lloyd realized there was an actor waiting to audition. “Can’t you have him read with fucking ****face… whatever her name! There’s at least one girl in the building… So many boys here. That’s great for me — I love young boys.” He leered at the newest PA, Jason F____. “Right, Jason?” And back to Kiel. “But it’s not right! I thought Thursday was going to be the big day for auditions!?! We need talented young women. We have plenty of talented young men…. beautiful young boys. And all the girls… did they all leave? What happened? Maybe nobody smiled at them. I went up there today… There were two young trolls, alone, in the dark, sitting there depressed. Thank god they were trolls! Imagine if they were attractive — they would leave in a minute!”

Friday, June 03, 2005

(While we had no actors, effects, or money, we did have a location to film: a decrepit, literally rotting, old McDonald’s. It was located at the corner of Bailey and Hewitt in the Buffalo ghetto. So I wasn’t excited to receive this next email, which, in retrospect, works as a grand foreshadow.)

E-mail from a Fan
“I will look around to see if i can find a place for you guys to live..but i also wanted to give a word of advice.. Bailey and Hewitt is NOT the best area in the world. keep a close eye on your equipment. I live around 3 miles from there and it’s kinda a scary area. I don’t mean to sound like a friggin’ mom or anything but i just wanted to let you know.”

(We had no idea how much of an understatement she was making.)

Effects Ladies
Another long day. A crazy-long week. Tomorrow I can sleep in until 8am.

Jason finally discovered why Bitte’s box of zombie-mutant-eggs hadn’t showed up at Troma yet… they were seized by US Customs. They are now somewhere in one of the country’s 300+ entry-point holding cells, awaiting examination and possible destruction. These are the only quality effects we have for the film. Fucking Bitte. Fucking mutant eggs. Fucking terrorists!

On a more upbeat note, I left work early tonight, at 10pm. I headed to the Chelsea Hotel to meet a Lemmy-obsessed Troma fan who’d cast some prosthetics for us. Leah had warned me that she’d be working on a “low-budget film,” but as I wandered into room 306, my eyes were immediately drawn to the nervous foreign-accent-whispering couple on the bed, the empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the bedside table, and the half-naked black man sitting on the toilet. Leah was applying latex and gray makeup to his face.

Zombie porn.

It just had to be.

“What are you guys shooting?” I asked as Leah pulled me outside.

“Nothing… I’ll… I’ll tell you later.” Yeah, right. It was shady as hell.

Of course, then she reached into her purse and pulled out a bloody penis, for the scene where the Irish Priest finds a severed cock in his chicken sandwich. And a necklace of severed ears, for when Vietnam vet Denny remarks to Arbie, “Hey man — I like your bling! Check these out — I got mine in ‘Nam!”. And I didn’t feel any cleaner.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Auditions in Progress
The office may be empty of 9-5 employees, but we’ve finally got some “beautiful young people” waiting to audition. In the stairwell, boys and girls are sharing pairs of headphones, singing their rehearsals of Slow Fast Food Love, the love theme from Poultrygeist. (”You’re my fries and your shake make me shiver/You’re my Happy Meal sent from above.”) A potential Arbie and Arbie’s Dad are in the hallway, shouting out a scene of filial anguish. “Government handouts can only pay for so much beer and cigarettes!” “Then I’m going to get me a job and save this family!”

A 16-year-old girl came in with her parents a few hours ago. As soon as her dad saw the release she was about to sign — specifically the line “scenes containing graphic violence and/or references to sex or nudity” — he grabbed her by the arm and marched the poor girl out of the building. Thank god.

The Emergency Medical Technician
I got an e-mail recently from a NY Fire Department EMT Specialist. “I still like helping people, but this job has a lot of negative stress. I want to deal with fake blood, not real blood, made-up vomit, not real vomit on my clothes, and shoveling fake body parts, not real ones. Little by little, I will move as far away as possible from this job in to the next.”

He stopped by the office yesterday, bringing one latex human brain and one rubber heart. He apologized for the lack of absolute accuracy in the brain detailing, but added “Don’t worry, most people won’t really know the difference.”

From another one of his e-mails: “Be careful. People have been conditioned to see bullet hits explode, and in real life they don’t.”

I’m so glad he’s on top of this all.

The Casting Process
An email from an eager actress: “I hope that I will have the opportunity to advance to the casting couch so that I can prove how badly I want to get into this production.”

I’m not sure if Kiel wrote her back.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Looking for PAs
One of Lloyd’s endless quirks is his eagerness to bring anyone on-set, no matter who they are, as long as they’ll work for free. The lonely teenager from Arkansas, the obsessive fan from Reykjavik, the depressed 56-year-old weirdo… he invites them all to work on the film. (Of course, I worry what this says about me.) No matter if they have a resume, or not — he’s convinced they’ll be helpful, and urges them all to meet us in Buffalo.

As per his command, the auto-response I penned for Production Assistant applicants reads: “Please note that all PA positions on the film will be UNPAID. However, if you can get yourself to Buffalo, we’ll be able to house you (as long as you’re willing to sleep on the floor, and can bring a sleeping bag), feed you during the production itself (stale cheese sandwiches), and work you around the clock… The entire crew will be headed out there in early July — can you join us in Buffalo then? Or perhaps earlier?”

What makes me nervous is the realization that I’ll be living with these people. It’ll be like summer camp. A summer camp full of weirdos and freaks. I can’t wait.

Sunday afternoon…
And soooo tired. Running on two things: cup-after-cup of sweet hazelnut coffee, and ABBA playing on the cheap tinny office speakers. The small things that make life worth living.

Next week: The eager actors all get naked, Lloyd threatens to prostitute himself, and Andy starts on a quest for zitty pus fluid… All at poultrygeistmovie.com. Find out more about this Andy at www.theandydeemer.com.