Chapter 5
Friday, June 17, 2005

Budget Crisis
In two short scenes in Poultrygeist, a couple of guns are shot, a couple of bullets hit zombies, and a miniature of the Chicken Bunker gets blown up. We’ve been waiting for (“gun/pyro-expert”) Drew Giritano’s estimate. Finally, it arrived: $10,000.

To give some perspective, that’s a third of our special effects budget on two scenes. Two filmic shots, I’d predict. A minute of film, at most. For a film that’s about 1/3 special effects.

To give further perspective, since I’m a math geek: that’s 5% of the movie’s budget on 0.5% of the film.

I immediately called RayRay, the local (and possibly-mafioso) amateur-FX guy, who carries a short baseball bat in the front seat of his Cadillac, a gun in his glove compartment, dresses like a don, and refuses to answer questions about what he does for a living. (He’s got some street smarts.) He’s also a life-saver. He’s already working on a way we can do this all for $500.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Local casting
Local casting began today, with two PAs heading it up. Neither of them had been in a casting room before. Nor had I, but I still trained them as best I could. They’d also set up my brother Pete’s shitty Sony handycam, which I’d borrowed (and never returned) years earlier. It was a far cry from what I’d call professional.

But then again, neither were the actors.

Of the seven who were booked to audition, three were little girls who froze in front of the camera (despite the efforts of their pushy parents). One was a teenage boy who did cartwheels and backflips down the hall, at the behest of his chain-smoking white-trash mother. The only actor who showed any promise was a huge 350lb black man, Bernie. I suspect he’s going to end up with a prize role.

Weird PA email

Hi Andy! This is Greg, I’m supposed 2 b a PA on Poultrygeist. I tried calling you but you r no longer available there. I have been delayed in getting 2 new york-I just got evicted from my apartment, my uncle just died, and my grandpa just died this morning. I still want 2 come but it sucks that I couldn’t get there on the 15th cause I wanted to get there b4 the other PAs so I could have a heads up. Anyway, My grandpa’s funeral should be in the next couple days and I want to leave after that 4 Poultrygeist. Can you please e-mail me back or call me. I need to know what 2 bring…is there going to be a shower… should I bring extra clothes…do we really work 20 hour days and only get a cheese sandwich to eat. Please get back 2 me ASAP!

Who is this guy???

Stress #2
I hate to say, but I’m really realizing how fucked we are right now. I have an apparently reliable team here in Buffalo, though a small one, but we are completely fucked at present.

We start shooting in just a few weeks, and we still have NO…
- costumes or dedicated/focused costumier
- signage at the restaurant
- local cast, or people applying to be anything but an extra
- home for the crew
- props or propmaster

The only things we *do* have is a leak in the roof. And now a live bat in the church hall.

Special effects is the one area where things are starting to go fairly well. Bitte works around the clock in the church basement, creating demon eggs and demon chicks like a maniac. FX-superhero Dave Molloy arrives on a greyhound from Ohio on Monday morning. Anxiety-ridden Xochitl flies out in two weeks. And Lloyd just met head FX dude Tom Devlin in LA, and was — against all odds — impressed. (Although rumor has it that Lloyd just inherited a bit of cash, so that could explain his cheery mood on the phone just now.)

Gabe, however, is in anything but a sunny mood. He called repeatedly today to yell about the dry readthrough he did with the main cast — almost all of whom are about to go on vacation. Apparently the only two people who put any effort into it were he and Kiel. Larry then left the office at 7pm. The sleazy Troma guy that claims he’s art directing the film didn’t even bother coming in this weekend. (The only real design work he’s done for the film so far involved making a fake porno cover featuring the semi-nude Kate. Classy.)

I worry about how many people on the New York team seem unconcerned about this movie.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Scratched cars and squealing girls
Lloyd just called back, and updated me on his LA trip. “Yes, I hit… I had a bit of an accident today and scratched up my rental. But Tom had some FX makeup paint in his trunk, and covered it right up.”

Every few hours, Jamie, the bearded transgendered boygirl who’s heading up casting, screams as s/he runs upstairs from the dark church basement. “The door bangs behind me!!!”

Monday, June 20, 2005

Now we’re legit
Classic 70s porn icon Ron Jeremy just called Gabe. He loved the script, and wants to play the black restaurant manager. Right fucking on!!! (Although, as you probably know, Ron is white. Ideas, anyone?) (Didn’t Richard Pryor handle this situation in Silver Streak?)

The Wiggles Woggle
Big fan Kent, eager to work on the production, wrote:

“i am in the process of traveling up north and can be in Buffalo in early July with nothing personal or otherwise to conflict with working on the film and will be able to work on it until it is finished no matter how long that might be and understand that no financial Payment what so ever will be offered, the most i need is a floor to sleep on and not to starve to death and maybe a shower if applicable once in a while.”

He also enclosed this picture to convince us of his dedication:

I can’t wait to post this on myspace.

Mafia Minglings
One of my favorite FX guys is flashy-dresser Italian RayRay. I’ve joked that he dresses and talks like a made man. Today, he was setting up some squib tests (exploding blood packs strapped to a person’s body to replicate a shooting), and pulled out an incredibly authentic (okay, real) handgun that he wanted to use. I demanded he put it away, immediately, and we do the squibs without any real guns, plastic guns, or even fingers. He conceded, and stashed it under my desk.

Several hours later, long after he’d left, he returned to pick up the gun which he’d forgotten. He also had, at the same time, a little present for me — a huge Cartier watch.

Bitte later joked with me that the same exchange happens at the beginning of The Godfather. As we nervously laughed, she recalled that the day before, he’d persuaded her to handle the very same gun. “No — put your finger on the trigger.”

I’m not so sure what just happened.

Porn Star #2
Ron Jeremy finally realized the role of Denny was written for an African American. (Hence all the lines about being black.) So now, he wants to play the Really Old Irish Priest. He’s not Irish either.

Dennis Hof, the owner of the Bunny Ranch, also wants to be a priest.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

UPS Delivery
UPS just showed up with four boxes addressed to me. My FX hero Dave Molloy, smoking a handrolled cigarette on the church steps, looked up and excited shouted “Hey, that’s my stuff. That big Christmas tree box is full of female body parts!” UPS guy looked nervous.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Signage
Doug: “How big should the sign be?”
Andy: “Big enough for a real sign, but small enough that when the guy jerks off onto it, the cum is visible.”

Mom, I swear this isn’t porn.

Unreliable
For most of our furnishings and labor, we’re relying on the word of drugged out tattooed bikers or gun freaks. One of the latter donated a mattress that turned out to be housing a mold-and-rot farm. Several anarchists have brought over stale food they found in dumpsters behind grocery stores. (Which we thrive on.)

One tattooed guy, with a single lock of hair in the front of his head and corks in his earlobes, offered to bring us an electric oven. (I’ve been looking for one “big enough to fit a human head inside,” for the FX team.)

“Yeah — I’ll bring it either tonight or tomorrow night… it depends when my friend wakes up.”

A note from Lloyd…
Be very careful with the press…we can not frighten them… Buffalo is VERY conservative…so stress that Troma is the place where lots of new stars are born and that we are a thirty year old company…the oldest…No throwing blood at or puking on people or getting drunk or pissing on people’s legs…that means you,Gabe..

Choreographer
Maria, a friend from New York, just applied to be a dance choreographer for Poultrygeist. Lloyd loved her demo reel, and hired her immediately.

please think in terms of the two hundred protesters also dancing with Chicken Buckets,on heads,behinds,vomiting into buckets,…later there is a reprise with the General who has transformed into a Chicken Zombie and he and chicken zombies should also dance like Chicken-Indian-Zombies..

Fans and Fiends
Fuck. With the recent rains, it turns out that the basement of the McDonalds had been flooded for Lord-knows-how-long. Six inches of murky water in pitch black darkness.

Thank goodness for PAs.

Nick headed up a team of unhappy but persistent kids who would climb up the stairs with bucket after bucket of water. Each bucket made no difference, but apparently they’re slowly making some headway.

Every few hours, someone would have to leave, and I’d send a new set of PAs from the office to replace them. But as the sun went down, I started to worry a little about safety. And at about 8pm, the cops showed up.

“What’s going on here?”
“Uhhh… the basement’s flooded… we’re pumping it.”
“The place is supposed to be empty — who are you kids?! What’re you doing here?”
“We’re shooting a movie.”
“Holy shit — are you guys from Troma?!?!?!?!” He turned to the other cop. “Dude — I told you about this shit — these are the guys that made The Toxic Avenger!!! That shit is funny!!!! Hey — can we be extras? I wanna be a chicken zombie!!!”

Real nice.

Of course, back at the house, some heavily tattooed (wrists to eyelids, and down to the toes) lace-laden ladies just showed up, eager to meet Troma team. One of them had a video of her being suspended by two points in her back. After the first incision, I had to leave.

Overheard
Robin and Roshen, the pair of 19-year-old Indian near-identical twins, were in the kitchen tonight. One was eating lasagna made by Alyssa’s mom for us. The other was on the phone, busily moving his hands. “Yeah, they got me working pretty hard… I’m sanding down an eyeball, right now.”

Next week: Two PAs are beaten by a gang of vicious thugs, Lloyd realizes this crew is the worst he’s ever worked with, and Andy receives even more valuable advice from Trent Haaga.