I used to say that working on “Poultrygeist: Attack of the Chicken Zombies” felt like attending a film school bootcamp led by deranged Troma President genius, Lloyd Kaufman. After nearly ten weeks of labor, I must ammend. Working on “Poultryeist: Attack of the Chicken Zombies” has felt like really-rough-roleplay-rape in a film school bootcamp led by deranged Troma President genius, Lloyd Kaufman. But now that the pounding is nearly over, I don’t want to get off my bruised knees and pull up my tattered Hanes. Besides truly learning how to make a movie on a hooker budget, I’ve learned to love the cast and crew who are a part of this 35mm art orgy. With a few exceptions, most of the juices that are flowing within the walls of our church residence have been pure and creative. Jesus Christ, I wish I were one of those few excpetions! Why haven’t my PA plow me prayers been answered? You must hear them, Lord! I’m in your House!

Excuse me, I digress…There’s only one shower and fifty people living in our headquarters, and the tromaroma (man stench concealed by deodorant body spray) can seriously arouse your boom. I’ll try to behave.

So let’s go back to the really-rough-roleplay-rape metaphor. It really is the truth. When you work for Troma, you are choosing to work in an environment where you will most likely be forced to do degrading work and be humiliated. Those who like it romantic rather than rough either get fired or quit. The rest stay, continue to get their brains banged and have a wonderful climax: The knowledge that they have stuck it out and have absorbed a load of movie-making know-how that they can penetrate into their own work.

God, can I at least get some action with a cute closet case at the wrap party? I promise I won’t tell!

GOD: Jamie, go to bathroom where the priests used to bathe and waste some sperm.
Just don’t release in anyone’s shampoo bottle! It’s my job to punish the serpents, not yours.

JAMIE: Okay. Thanks, God.

Directing protesters

When I left New York City for Buffalo two months ago to work on “Poultrygeist,” I gave up a $500/week off-Broadway gig, an inexpensive apartment and a summer of pre-prodution on my own movie. Some people told me that I was crazy, and they were right. I am crazy for movies – watching them, writing them and making them. As depressing as it is to return to the Big Apple without a job or a place to live, I am 100% sure that I made the right decision by working on “Poultrygeist.” There is absolutely no better way to learn about moviemaking other than working on a Troma film. Even if you don’t completely buy into all of director Lloyd Kaufman’s devil-worshiping mega-conglomerate Hollywood-is-baby-food soundbites, it doesn’t matter. You will learn, first hand, the essentials of what it takes to make a movie – underground or mainstream. Below are only a few of the many lessons I learned that I will apply to my movie, “Terror Talk,” this fall. I don’t expect anybody else to agree or care, but for the record:

Get to know your “actor persons”. One of my major duties on “Poultrygeist” was organizing and directing a group of 200 people to play protestors and chicken zombies, and another set of 50-100 to play customers and chicken zombie victims. I’m a lot of bad things (cheap slut, gossip-hound, 80s makeup fan), but I will admit that I am amiable and considerate of people’s feelings. Respect your actors and they will respect your movie. Get to know them and they will shine. I was flabergasted by the number of dedicated, kind and talented people who endured over a month of rehearsals and another month of filming. They protested in the summer humidity, vomited green cream-of-mushroom soup all over each other, bathed in fake blood and were glued and feathered. I still have some actor persons Emailing me to see if there’s more they can do. (Keep in mind, while this all sounds like fun, most of these guys wait 5-10 hours to perform after they arrive on set). I now consider many of these people my friends. I can’t thank them enough for all that they’ve done. It makes me laugh to see Karen Tuccio (chant leader) and MaryAnn Reisdorf (American Gothic Woman) act so well as protestor psychos and rabid chicken zombies. Two months ago they performed rather conservative monologues at their auditions. Now they’re eating and slicing face with pride and cheer. Yes!!!!! I’ve twisted more minds!

With the horn

Keep your cool, but don’t be a pushover. Many of the actor persons asked me how I kept my cool when ten people were asking me questions or giving me orders at the same time. It’s called acting. I can’t speak for other directors, but I think it’s important that you stay as composed looking as possible while working on your movie, even if you want to stab flesh repeatedly. Then the people around you have faith in what you’re trying to do. At the same time, I think it’s good to put fire under ass. You don’t want people to think that they can’t improve. There is always room for improvement. Just don’t be a boob when you give direction. Be constructive, not insulting.

Get organized, and if you can’t…get somebody who can! This has always been one of my shortcomings. I will jot down phone numbers on envelopes, toilet paper, etc. If you’re directing a movie and you’re like I, get an assistant who is extremely organized! Make sure you have call sheets, actor release forms, permits, insurance, etc. Just hire our production office coordinator, John Landis, and you’ll be fine!

Masturbate! You have to relieve stress. While some filmmakers like to get drunk and high, I think it’s a detriment to the movie. Even if you think you can handle it, you’re setting a bad model for a lot of people who probably can’t. To release stress and avoid a hung over crew that will delay your movie, masturbate. If you have somebody by your side to pork, well, lucky you. (I promise I’m not bitter.)

Communicate with Candor! Lloyd stresses how important it is to be honest and tell him if you don’t have something ready. While he has to understand that this can be a scary thing due to his volatile temper, he is 100% right. I think most of us, including myself, might have said that we completed a task, when in fact, we didn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being a human who can only do so much.

Try to get along with all departments and work as a team. While this is obvioius, it’s usually one of the biggest problems on productions such as these. Certain personalities will always clash. Try to be mature, get over it and work together for the sake of the movie. If things get really hairy, fuck. If you’re straight and of the same sex as your nemesis, fuck anyway. There’s so much confusion on a Troma set, might as well add more.

Dying, as “Big Mitch”

You’re no better than he who drenches you in blood. It’s amazing how the majority of those working on “Poultrygeist” remained humble and level-headed. However, there were a few spoiled apples who felt that they had the right to behave as if they were better than everbody else. Please know that you’re not. Nobody and nothing is beneath any of us – not the blood boys, toilet bowl cleaners or the toilet bowl itself. If you want to learn a lesson on how to be a star with inner beauty, kindness, class and true talent – a star who can respect herself at the end of the day, please visit www.debbierochon.com. I’m just sorry that Debbie wasn’t in this movie, even though it was our loss and not Ms. Rochon’s. This is the only beef I have with this production. Until the wrap party, of course.

However, I would like to congratulate the cast and crew for a job well done. From Jason Yachanin’s breathtaking talent to Allison Sereboff’s amazing heart and presence to little Faith who will become a superstar….WOW!!!! As for the crew, I am so impressed and proud of producer, Andy Deemer. He really held us together and pushed all of us to do our best. Our assistant director, Caleb Emerson, was Lloyd’s verbal punching bag. Yet he remained extremely tranquil and never exploded. He’s a truly amazing guy. As for writer/producer Gabe Friedman – Excellent concept! Your idea has finally hatched and it’s one beautiful bird! Congratulations! And of course, Lloyd Kaufman. You’ve directed yet another masterpiece. Now you won’t go down being dismembered for “Tales from the Crapper!” You remain an enigma to me. You’re the most generous, cheap, kind and loving bastard I know. It’s always great working for you and with you! Thank you for the opportunity! It’s almost been as fun as working with your mother, R.L., who I’m sure is up there proud of her boy for making such a fine movie and raffling off the t.v. she never got to watch. I really do miss her!

With Andy Monkelban

On a final note: People might criticize Troma for its violence, sex and nudity. After having attended numerous conventions with the company and working on “Poultrygeist,” I have to say that the most kind, loving, dedicated and moral people I’ve met have been associated with Troma. Dave Maloy and Melissa McAnany of Special FX got literally two hours of sleep a night if they were lucky and never complained. Glenn Lasky made his girlfriend Tracy Janis’ dream come true when he proposed to her on set after she slit his throat! Troma fan, Andy Monkelban, showed up in his wheelchair on time every day, not letting cerebral palsy get in his way. Bitte Andersson created the best death I could imagine having: Egg tits that hatch chicks! Ian King and Beth Charlsworth were amazing chicken zombie experts. Then there’s Tim Cronin who busted his sturdy ass choreographing the major massacre scenes. The entire costume department blew me away with it’s organization. Tracy Janis and Maria Gismondi’s dance choreography was superb. Alyssa Hill really had her props together. I don’t know which I like better: Josh Strauss’ face or his beautiful photography. The list goes on and on.

I don’t think I have to jerk off for a while. Lust isn’t on my mind. Love is.

THANKS FOR LISTENING!
XO
Jamie Greco

With Ron Jeremy